Your Horoscope for 2010

Are you ready to be amazed? I have prepared my much awaited 2010 horoscope. In 2009 I predicted the GFC, Michael Jackson’s demise, 52 weeks of consecutive lotto numbers and McDonald’s release of the McAngus. For this year’s horoscope I spent three weeks honing my powers of prediction whilst living with a tribe of Mongolian horse shamans in Bondi Junction. In a moment of awareness brought on by some week-old Indian take-away I penned some spellbinding insights for the coming year. Get ready to FREAK OUT.

20100112_dave

"In 2009 I predicted the GFC, Michael Jackson’s demise, 52 weeks of consecutive lotto numbers and McDonald’s release of the McAngus."

Aries
It’s a new year and a new beginning for Arians. 2009 was a tough year; you spilled paint on your best shoes and lost a few more teeth, but happiness and contentment are just around the corner (assuming you live near a park). When things are looking down go and ride one of those spinning capsules that you enjoyed as a kid but now makes you sick. Your new sense of balance will surprise and ground you.

Taurus
Did someone say LOTTO? I am not going to give you your lucky numbers, I don’t need to! The simple truth is you’re a winner. Mortgage the house, sell the furniture and trade in the kids. Put all your money into the next Albanian National Lotto and watch your fortunes turn. This may be the best bet you’ve ever made.

Gemini
Your sign is named after one of the best small cars ever made. Although production ceased in 1986 you’re still on the road! 2010 is a great year for repairs and maintenance. You’re an air sign, but you need to get in touch with your earthy roots, so get back to nature. Why not bury yourself in the ground for a few weeks and rest. If that’s not possible empty a few buckets of mulch in your bed and feel yourself detaching from life’s complexities.

Cancer
Celebrate it’s 2010. If 2009 felt like 2009 then 2010 will feel strongly like 2010! This year will be a great time to meet new people as this year you can get away with anything. Don’t hold back, next time you speak to your boss get down on all fours, bark like a dog. You’ll be surprised what an impact your new found confidence will have on your life.

Leo
King of the Jungle? Not this year. Unfortunately 2010 will be one big fur ball. So stopping eating your hair and focus on next year. Avoid making big decisions this year and try not to speak to anyone at all. The best bet is to claim that you have lost your voice, if that doesn’t work simply say that you have forgotten who you are.

Virgo
Ba-da-bing! Your Venus is in alignment or something like that – which means attraction. People will look at you differently, stop you in the street and possibly even propose marriage. Your challenge for 2010, aside from mastering your new toaster, will be to learn how to say YES! It’s not a hard word, just one syllable and will make communication with other people so much easier.

Libra
2010 is time to be you. Stop pretending to be someone you’re not (for tax reasons). Reclaim yourself by running for local government. The name of your political party should start with ‘Australian’ and is then found by adding the colour of your toothbrush to the name of your favourite animal. I have just started the Australian Purple Bats Party. Please look out for us at the polling booth.

Scorpio
Some people are afraid of your sting, but they needn’t be. You’re a person and not a scorpion.  Although you may think your saliva is venomous it is not – so think again before attacking those possums in your roof, they have sharp claws. 2010 will be a year to relax and take it all in. Try and lie still for as much of the year as possible – if you find this hard try chamomile tea.

Sagittarius
2010 is going to be a year you will always remember. You are going to meet people, mainly humans and go places, mainly on earth. You may be in line for a big change in your life, or failing that it will just be an ordinary year. Your lucky number this year is 10,632 – watch how often it comes up!

Capricorn
At 12:32pm on Friday May 21st a bald man named Eric will sit next you on the bus and offer you a half eaten bag of salt and vinegar chips. It is hard to be precise about this prediction so I am going to say they may be crinkle cut but are most likely just regular.

Aquarius
2010 is a year of change for you. Although you may not think it by next year you will have changed jobs, moved to another country and will no longer be right handed. Mars will be descending on your chakra, so you better leave it in the garage.

Pisces
It’s time to connect in 2010. You will find out that your parents are royalty from Eastern Europe and that you are line for a massive inheritance. You might be a water sign, but this year you need to avoid it completely – yes that’s right, no drinking, bathing or water polo.

Disclaimer: These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only, and  unfortunately (or for Leos, fortunately) they come with no guarantee of accuracy of the information and advice contained within. By reading and/or accessing this information you agree to release RedBalloon and our our horoscope guru Dave from any and all liability with regard to the contents of the site and/or advice received, no matter which star sign you are.

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10 Comments

  1. renee
    Posted January 12, 2010 at 7:34 am | Permalink

    hey red balloon people and dave the guru!!! thank you for this 2010 hororscopes,at this time in my life i was and have had a rather bad 2009 but after reading my email from you guys this morning im actually looking forward to 2010,not cause i fully believe in my hororscope but cause i feel that your company may actually care!!! so thanks for the smile you have given me today.

  2. Greg
    Posted January 12, 2010 at 8:49 am | Permalink

    Thanks for the laugh – Mongolian Horse Shamans indeed!

  3. Rachel Walker
    Posted January 12, 2010 at 11:37 am | Permalink

    Thank you.
    Looking forward to 2010 and improving my year by 100%. 2009 was one emotional upheaval for me. Bring it on……….

  4. Posted January 12, 2010 at 9:16 pm | Permalink

    Dave’s forecast was fascinating. I am professionally jealous. And glad I am not a Leo. I may, however, have already run into Eric on the bus. If he had been eating sour cream Pringles we could have had something.

  5. dave
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 9:57 am | Permalink

    Thanks Elizabeth. I also predicted that you might comment on my blog! ;)

  6. dave
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 10:00 am | Permalink

    Yes Rachel, I think 2009 was a tough year for many of us. I also am looking forward to 2010 which is destined to be a great year! Good luck and may the force be with you!

  7. dave
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 10:02 am | Permalink

    They tend to congregate under the overpass next to the trainstation. You will recognise them by their Yurts.

  8. dave
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 10:04 am | Permalink

    Hey Renee – I’m glad my horoscope put a smile on your dial – I had fun writing it too! Best wishes for 2010.

  9. Posted January 16, 2010 at 4:41 am | Permalink

    You predicted I will change jobs and move to another country. That made me smile – I have been applying for jobs overseas for a few months now. Arrivederci…

  10. Jo
    Posted January 18, 2010 at 1:23 pm | Permalink

    Glad to see your insightful horoscope back again this year. I have already seen my lucky number 10,632 pop up in my dreams at least once! Amazing!

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