Valentine’s Tips from the Love Guru

It’s been clinically proven that people in loving relationships live, on average, 78 years longer than their pet cat – so let’s get loving. As a world renowned love guru (who is currently between relationships) I will let you in on the secrets that have been passed down through the ages. After you have read my 10 tips on love and attraction you will be fully equipped to make it in the wild world of dating and relationships. Stop being stupid, start being cupid!


"I will let you in on the secrets that have been passed down through the ages."

Tip 1: How to meet people

Forget online dating and the meddling matchmaking of your eccentric aunt. The way to meet people in 2010 is to join obscure dog breeding societies – even if you don’t like dogs. Learn to discern between Welsh and English Springer Spaniels. The key to a successful relationship is common interests and shared values – your fellow members will be attracted by the energy and enthusiasm you bring to weekly meetings!

Tip 2: Picking your partner

The three things that you should look for are kindness, generosity and optimism – but that’s obvious. Less obvious is what you don’t want! Avoid people with genocidal tendencies or messianic delusions. Telltale signs include; a large weapons cache in the TV room, disinterest in Labrador puppies and the all too common beard/sandals/loincloth combo.

Tip 3: What a guy likes in a girl

What word says attraction more than Mermaid! Men have been destroying their ships for millennium in pursuit of the elusive woman-fish. So steal a tip from the books of myth and become a modern day mermaid. Cover a skirt in prawn shells and dab some fish sauce on the wrists – you will be sure to turn heads!

Tip 4: What a girl likes in a guy

Let’s face it, women like men with drive and ambition. There are many benefits that flow from being a Guinness Book record holder, not least in the love department. So get out there and break a record. Be the first person to eat 12 roast chickens in under an hour. You may end up in hospital but your date calendar will be full by the end of the week!

Tip 5: Dating

Dating is like a job interview so be sure to send your prospective date a CV before your first meeting. Be sure to include a complete rundown of your relationship history and your top 5 areas of emotional baggage. A referral from an ex-partner can be a great way to establish expectations. If you’re not sure about the first date invite your mother along to the second as a surprise. If you don’t know what you want she sure will!

Tip 6: Tell tale signs of attraction

Body language is a powerful means of communication. An elbow to the neck is generally a bad sign. Positive body language includes most spontaneous break dance moves including the worm, robot arms or the lesser known limping camel.

Tip 7: What not to do

The worst thing you can do in a relationship is waver. Be decisive! If you get that feeling that he/she might be the one – propose marriage on the first date! People like someone who knows what they want. If you don’t think the mood is right for a proposal, try and create some ambiance by publicly singing a love ballad – this works most powerfully when you choose a duet although anything with Gloria Estefan will do.

Tip 8: When it’s time to move on

OK, so you’ve just found out that your partner has re-mortgaged your house, burnt all your clothes, been slowly poisoning you with arsenic, is not really a woman, has numerous warrants for arrest, is actually the Unabomber and secretly supports Collingwood… So you ask yourself, “Is this right for me?” The true answer is found by texting your partner’s name to 1800 LOVE MATCH. Any score over 50 will indicate you should stay together.

Tip 9: Think attractive/Feel attractive

Your brain is all in your head! Most people don’t realise this. You can actually be more attractive by pretending you’re George Clooney (this works for both men and women). So, on your first date introduce yourself and George and talk about your upcoming films and what it’s like to be a Hollywood heart throb. If possible arrange for a friend to wait outside the restaurant and ambush you with some flash photography on departure.

Tip 10: Just be yourself!

Being genuine is more important than wearing the right underwear. When you first meet, tell your partner exactly what you don’t like about them – be sure to include their appearance, personality and anything disparaging you have to say about their family or friends. If you’re at the movies and you need to fart just let one go – just be sure to give them a look indicating that you think it may have been them.

Disclaimer: These tips are provided for entertainment purposes only, and they come with no guarantee of accuracy of the information and advice contained within. By reading and/or accessing this information you agree to release RedBalloon and our our love guru Dave from any and all liability with regard to the contents of the site and/or advice received, no what happens to you this Valentine’s Day.

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One Comment

  1. Posted February 9, 2010 at 8:13 am | Permalink

    Love it Berger!

    If I wasn’t getting married in 5 weeks I’d be heeding this very sensible advice to hook myself a man ;)

    Love the guru get-up too,

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